Updates galore.

Birthday came and went. Wasn't exactly the day I planned for but i guess I can't quite complain about it either.. got pleasantly suprised by nell and raaj.. din have a reaction that tallied up to it though.. oh.. and even more pleasantly surprised by my bouquet.. =) taxi ride was horrible.. dinner was.. well.. hmm.. food not up to standards.. but wouldn't wanna have it with anyone less..

school's been a bitch.. assignments galore too.. very interesting lecturers.. interesting classmates too...

since my last post, grand's still in hospital.. she's apparently really gotta undergo surgery.. supposedly tmr.. yet to confirm that.. bone broke thru the skin.. not cool... i'm worried.. i'm scared.. i know everyone dies at some point in time, but i'm honestly not ready for her to go..

well, i guess everything's in God's hands..

hoping for the best.. but this time, NOT prepared for the worse...

Sleepless Night....

It's 0512 in da morning.. tried falling asleep for quite awhile but to no avail.. doesn't help much that i've gotta be awake at 0630.. got lessons and a full day ahead. no idea how i'll survive it..

however, despite knowing what i've gotta do, i'm somehow just troubled beyond i ever thought i was.. once again, i never fail to surprise myself..

i find myself thinking about emotions.. thinking about the black, whites n greys of life.. wondering whether i'm doing the right thing with life.. wondering what my actions of today would cost the people around me tmr..

so many what ifs in my head.. it's really killing me.. for the first time in my life, i find myself regretting.. regretting bout things i've taken too long to do.. or failed to follow through.. bout not putting things into it's proper place.. for not being all that i can or could have been..

i wonder again why i took a back seat half way through life.. i'm wondering what i've done all these 22 years.. sometimes, i even wonder what or why i'm here..

hmm.. enough of this emo shit i guess.. most of the above is up for ur guessing pleasures..

but one thing i will let u know is that i've juz been thrown way off track by my grandma.. hearing about her fall on thurs nite already made my heart shatter..

the long 3+ hrs of waiting on sat while they were re-setting her bone made my heart sink even further.. sitting there not knowing wad's going on.. wondering how the docs are going about the procedure.. wondering whether she could take the pain.. wondering whether her heart could take further trauma even if the rest of her body could..

then when she was finally back in the ward.. looking at the exhaustion on her face.. as if all strength and energy had been drained out of her.. looking at the displeasure on her face.. eyes that said she really missed home and wanted to be among family instead of being in the hospital.. old age.. dementia.. hallucinations... not being able to sleep.. the heap full of drugs..

once again, i find myself in a situation where nothing can be done... maybe things would be better if i had gotten my act together long ago.. i could have possibly provided more than what i can now for her.. more specialised care perhaps? better doctors?? i don't know..

as for now, the upper arm's very nicely broken... -_-" can't op coz her heart can't take it.. can't do anything except putting it in a cast and hoping it'll heal itself.. i hope she's got what it takes to fight on...

the reason i find myself up and tearing at this time of night.. or should i say.. morning.. is that even before this accident happened, watching her maneuver around the house was already so sad.. the shuffling around... the difficulty she has as an 88 yr old trying to get up from a chair or from the bed..

in the last 3 yrs.. this is the second yr that she'll be spending my birthday in hospital.. not very fun.. not very happy about it.. but wad can be done?! not like she wanted it either..

back then, i still remember what a tough fight it was for her to get back to the her she is now.. back then, the infection she had was so bad, most of us thought it'd claim her life.. but she proved us wrong.. now that she's 2 yrs older, a lot more aged and a lot weaker.. this has to happen.. life's quite sickening ain't it??

here i am sitting down, wondering how she's gonna be able to get up from her chair or her bed when she can finally go home.. wondering whether the depression she's always had in her would get worse coz she'd feel as if she can't do anything anymore.. well, she can still move her fingers on her right hand.. but that's about all.. what are the chances that she'll learn to become ambidextrous at that age?? what are the chances her left hand has got enough strength to support her body weight either when getting off the chair or even when holding her walking stick to shuffle around??

gosh.. i really don't have the answers to any of these questions.. all i can do is keep a close eye and pray..

once again, i find myself helpless...

sigh...

The last few wks & Church Funfair =)

at this point in time, i can't quite recall the exact events that have happened since my last post. everything seems to be a blur. but yeah. i've been keeping busy and i've been keeping happy. (that's impt isn't it?!) =)

anyway, finally got the school stuff settled out.. now it's time to buck up and get back on track there. oh yes.. now i more or less remember.. my grandaunt passed on 2 wks back. deeply missed by everyone. i'm actually really glad she doesn't have to suffer anymore. it wasn't a very pleasing sight.. broke my heart everytime i saw her. but yeah. i just take comfort in knowing that she's in a better place now..

due to that, been having a lot of family gatherings of late. big, rowdy bunch i must say.. and i'm still pretty quiet compared to rest of them.. thankfully, i do get along slightly better than i used to.

besides that, celebrated grandma's birthday last nite.. another big family event.. i must admit that the whole ambiance of the place changes when it's filled with family.. it's nice in a way.. but i tend to shy off.. (yes.. pretty unbelievable ain't it?!) anyway, she's 88.. last nite in my cousin's car on the way back.. one of my aunt's suddenly mentioned that our family seems to have a really long lifespan compared to others.. my grandma, being 88... the oldest living member of the family staying in SG... her older sis.. 91 this yr.. and her older brother.. 89 this yr.. all still in quite a good shape.. =) given a choice, i don't think i'd wanna live til i'm that old.. but hey.. God decides when to take u away eh?!

anyway, today was the church funfair.. got kicked out of bed early in da morning for a photoshoot/makeover that my aunt had booked for mom, herself n me.. muz admit, i was getting pretty restless during the prep.. but it was fun.. =) the food was simply delightful.. and my cell's booth.. the one that dunks pple.. haha.. hilarious too.. both the pastors as well as the layleaders got dunked. very sporting bunch.. loads of fun and laughter..

was dead tired after lunch though.. kind of knocked out... but had to wake up shortly after coz i had to go tutor.. why am i so tired?! coz pet's give u the most horrible trauma u can possibly think of when u least expect it..

furballs.. hungry cats.. fish out of water.. heh.. go figure.. didn't get to sleep til i think 4 plus in the morning... hmm.. yes that's my standard timing.. but no.. didn't manage to sleep in!! argh..

anyway, that's wad's been happening...

cheerio for now!