Do or Die...

At the moment, I'm so sick and tired of everything. Everytime I try to pick myself up, something happens and slams me back down to the ground time and time again. Hardly anything's gone right. Sometimes, I really ask myself what i did to deserve all this crap. And, til now, I honestly don't have the answer.

Ok, so you might be thinking, "Why's this girl so miserable? Can't she just drop what she's doing?" Well, yes, I can drop what I'm doing coz it was a personal choice to take it up in the first place. But, the only reason why I do what I do is because I love it. I'm the type of girl that goes all out to do stuff I'm supposed to. The misery part only comes in when mis-understandings or what knots happen. And come on, let's face it! In reality, shit really happens a lot. Quite safe to say, on a daily basis.

I know a lot of you out there are concerned bout me. And, I thank you for that. Just that, unless I drop dead or should I say, knock out doing something or, you force me to do it by having proved that you yourself can handle it, FAT HOPE of me putting my work aside. I'm sorry. I know i'm stubborn. *shrugx* Can't help it. All in the blood. ;)

But, it would be nice to be treated like a human. And if you think i'm being unreasonable, come and we'll talk it out. I'm a girl who'll do stuff and most of the time, not mention that I've done what I've done. So yeah. Doesn't necessarily mean I just ask people to do stuff.

Yeah yeah. I've heard a whole lot of shit about me having nerves of steel or stuff like that. And yes, it is true that no one has made me cry before. But just because I choose to hold myself together doesn't mean it doesn't hurt inside. I am after all a girl. And depending on the situation, I'd definately like to be treated like one.

I still need a break. haha. Wonder where i can go get one. Preferably out of the country otherwise I'd still do work on the side. Hmm...

I want a hug!!!

i am pissed!! i am way beyond pissed now...

life seems like it's crashing.. no idea how long i can hold on for...
stressed...
i dun really feel as feminine no more... heh...
back got problem...
stomach got problem...
face got breakout coz of stress...
can't go for a manicure coz i do too many things with my hands...
and...
MY FREAKING TOENAILS ARE NOW SO DAMN SHORT I CAN'T EVEN GO FOR A PEDICURE!!! and on top of that, they kind of hurt a lil.. as in.. da exposed skin's a lil "raw" so to speak.. i knew i shouldn't have asked her to do that la.... argh... *sobx*
k la.. can la.. but.. i'll still have to pay more to add in nicely shaped ones coz there's seriously nothing left to shape no more... infact, it's nv been so short since... hmm.. since secondary school?! ah!!!!!!! and to all those who'll say they'll grow back, i freaking know that... but having pretty-ly pedicured nails cheered me up a bit... argh...

forget it la.. wadeva...

wad will turn up right?? ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can't something... anything turn up right???

It's so true...

Recently read on eileen's msn nick.. it's troo that the ones who appear the strongest are the weakest... haha... and.. i seriously can relate to that.. and i think most of u that read my blog on a regular basis and also know the me that's not glued to this screen... can and will also agree that i may appear strong.. but i'm more or less quite shattered beyond recognition on da inside...

well, service today... hmm.. i did get what pastor stanley said.. understood it perfectly... hmm... was quite ok la... i guess... the thing that hit the most was that there just seem to be more and more couples in church.. and looking at the way they treat each other.. i really miss the old times.. heh.. ok.. so maybe it's me.. and maybe i've been too dependant.. but... oh well...

heh.. ok la.. enough said.. don't wanna rant and rave that much... heh...

From the heart..

ok.. so i'm back for a much awaited post.. well, it's late, there's church service at 8am tmr.. or should i say... later.. but... i just can't sleep... everytime i shut my eyes and pray that i'll wander off into dreamland, i get rather disturbing thoughts about work and all.. and the scariest part is that it's only internship and not the real world... i'm seriously dreading going to work after i finish school coz it's just way beyong freaky..

many countless number of people have asked me why i'm always so tired... when i say it's becoz of work, no one quite believes me and some offer to trade places with me.. but.. when i tell them my full job scope, they kind of freak and take back their offer... if you don't believe, try handling most of the admin duties for 1 club and 3 associations.. by club, i'm not talking about bowling here.. it's strictly internship... then, you've gotta do invoicing and receipts for 2 of those 4 assoc... not cool huh... on top of that, i've got a few web design projects in between.. (hmm.. in between doesn't take up too much time.. does it?? ) if you're thinking that, you are once again so wrong.. it IS time consuming.. coz you've gotta research, plan, layout n actually do da freaking thing... unless you've got a God given talent and can come up with a brand new concept/idea in a split second.. haha.. and.. not to mention, maintain da databases for 3 of da assoc... oh.. wait.. there's more.. heh.. design and do presentations for people... hmm... attend 2 of the assoc. events to do the registration part for them.. and the events kind of happen 2-3 times a month.. yup.. i think that's about it.. hmm.. hang on there.. one last thing... be da "secretary to 3 of da directors in my co... x.x yeah... that's it.. haha.. now u know why i look so tired... there's just so much to do... it's scary... it's all about datelines... and if u don't carry through, chances are, you'll get told off or scolded... not fun.. not encouraging... not funny... now u know why it's disturbing...

if the world was as simple as some of you see it, there would really not be a need for police.. coz there'd probably be no crimes, no terrorism, no hatred, no pain... sure... we're all hoping for a perfect world.. but WAKE UP!!! it's just not gonna happen.. you've got a problem, you'll just have to deal with it...

but...

i guess i'm not in da right position to tell anyone anything about that... everything's been piled up on each other lately that (ok.. i'll admit) even i'm running and hiding from some things... but.. yet again, life catches u... and pokes u in da side going.. "u can't hide..." and.. come to think about it, "u can't run very far either..." heh..

i don't know... some people say i've got a tough life... that life's just not fair to some people.. or.. some say.. if life doesn't hit you now, it'll hit u sooner or later... hmm.. yeah.. troo.. life is full of choices... full of surprises.. full of ups and downs... but strangely enough, i don't feel that my life is much different from others... i think it's probably about the same.. juz that the problems are in different areas of life..

for me, even though i seem quite "in control" most of the time, i'm actually finding extremely difficult to live life without someone by my side.. by that, i mean boyfriend more than normal friend or god... don't get my wrong.. i really thank god for my friends.. and.. i know god's always there for me... but yeah.. i juz miss having someone i can share everything and anything with.. miss da hugs n kisses... hmm... did i mention HUGS?? heh...

ok.. so some of u might be going.. OMG! why's she suddenly so mushy?? but hey.. i'm a gal too ya noe.. i can feel exactly the same thing other gals can feel whether they are the "super girl" type or the "super manja" type... or the "anything goes" type...

and.. ok.. so i'm being a bit straight forward here, but if you like me, tell me... if u don't like something about me, tell me too... i'm not exactly the ultimate bitch who'll blow at anyone and everyone over small matters.. ask anyone around... all my friends.. i think they can testify that i don't quite blow up unless i'm in a bad mood.. or.. unless u really really deserve it.. =x haha..

k la.. cleared most of my mind... nitez~