life... a never ending soap opera....

it's amazing how life seems so simple.. but yet.. people are able to complicate matters to a point where it's incomprehensible to sometimes.. even the one who started it..

makes u wonder why people butt in to things that don't concern them.. if they wanna be positive, den so be it.. but why do people tend to waste so much of their energy trying to wreck something that absolutely has no benefit to them wad so eva...

why can't people be problem solvers and not problem makers?? and why can't people who wanna solve problems do it in the fastest possible way?? makes me think that everyone's quite a sadist out there.. juz wanna prolong things that absolutely waste time and effort.. on top of that, end up hurting people and hurting themselves in the process...

at the same time, why must some people be such party poopers??? don't they have a life? do they want everyone else around them to be life-less as well??

come to think about it, i'm really thankful for a mom whom i'm damn close too.. no pretenses wad so eva.. although a lil annoying at times.. but oh well...

life's life.. doubt it'll change much.. but they few things about me and life are basically..

- life's short. i dun wanna end it with regrets.. therefore, i can be very stubborn the bulk of the time.. (check with my mom n friends if u don't believe..)
- i dun give a f*** bout wad people think of me.. (most pple anyway.. besides.. coming from my ego, i'm quite sure my mom raised me well) i'm juz myself.. so take it or leave it.. and if u choose to f*** off, pls be my guest. juz make sure u dun hang around..
- i'm nice most of the time.. unless you wanna waste your time n backstab the shit out of me.. i'll prob waste juz a few mins of my time on u.. more or less sufficient to get my msg across..

argh.. forget it.. i'm juz too frustrated to write anymore..

Updates galore.

Birthday came and went. Wasn't exactly the day I planned for but i guess I can't quite complain about it either.. got pleasantly suprised by nell and raaj.. din have a reaction that tallied up to it though.. oh.. and even more pleasantly surprised by my bouquet.. =) taxi ride was horrible.. dinner was.. well.. hmm.. food not up to standards.. but wouldn't wanna have it with anyone less..

school's been a bitch.. assignments galore too.. very interesting lecturers.. interesting classmates too...

since my last post, grand's still in hospital.. she's apparently really gotta undergo surgery.. supposedly tmr.. yet to confirm that.. bone broke thru the skin.. not cool... i'm worried.. i'm scared.. i know everyone dies at some point in time, but i'm honestly not ready for her to go..

well, i guess everything's in God's hands..

hoping for the best.. but this time, NOT prepared for the worse...

Sleepless Night....

It's 0512 in da morning.. tried falling asleep for quite awhile but to no avail.. doesn't help much that i've gotta be awake at 0630.. got lessons and a full day ahead. no idea how i'll survive it..

however, despite knowing what i've gotta do, i'm somehow just troubled beyond i ever thought i was.. once again, i never fail to surprise myself..

i find myself thinking about emotions.. thinking about the black, whites n greys of life.. wondering whether i'm doing the right thing with life.. wondering what my actions of today would cost the people around me tmr..

so many what ifs in my head.. it's really killing me.. for the first time in my life, i find myself regretting.. regretting bout things i've taken too long to do.. or failed to follow through.. bout not putting things into it's proper place.. for not being all that i can or could have been..

i wonder again why i took a back seat half way through life.. i'm wondering what i've done all these 22 years.. sometimes, i even wonder what or why i'm here..

hmm.. enough of this emo shit i guess.. most of the above is up for ur guessing pleasures..

but one thing i will let u know is that i've juz been thrown way off track by my grandma.. hearing about her fall on thurs nite already made my heart shatter..

the long 3+ hrs of waiting on sat while they were re-setting her bone made my heart sink even further.. sitting there not knowing wad's going on.. wondering how the docs are going about the procedure.. wondering whether she could take the pain.. wondering whether her heart could take further trauma even if the rest of her body could..

then when she was finally back in the ward.. looking at the exhaustion on her face.. as if all strength and energy had been drained out of her.. looking at the displeasure on her face.. eyes that said she really missed home and wanted to be among family instead of being in the hospital.. old age.. dementia.. hallucinations... not being able to sleep.. the heap full of drugs..

once again, i find myself in a situation where nothing can be done... maybe things would be better if i had gotten my act together long ago.. i could have possibly provided more than what i can now for her.. more specialised care perhaps? better doctors?? i don't know..

as for now, the upper arm's very nicely broken... -_-" can't op coz her heart can't take it.. can't do anything except putting it in a cast and hoping it'll heal itself.. i hope she's got what it takes to fight on...

the reason i find myself up and tearing at this time of night.. or should i say.. morning.. is that even before this accident happened, watching her maneuver around the house was already so sad.. the shuffling around... the difficulty she has as an 88 yr old trying to get up from a chair or from the bed..

in the last 3 yrs.. this is the second yr that she'll be spending my birthday in hospital.. not very fun.. not very happy about it.. but wad can be done?! not like she wanted it either..

back then, i still remember what a tough fight it was for her to get back to the her she is now.. back then, the infection she had was so bad, most of us thought it'd claim her life.. but she proved us wrong.. now that she's 2 yrs older, a lot more aged and a lot weaker.. this has to happen.. life's quite sickening ain't it??

here i am sitting down, wondering how she's gonna be able to get up from her chair or her bed when she can finally go home.. wondering whether the depression she's always had in her would get worse coz she'd feel as if she can't do anything anymore.. well, she can still move her fingers on her right hand.. but that's about all.. what are the chances that she'll learn to become ambidextrous at that age?? what are the chances her left hand has got enough strength to support her body weight either when getting off the chair or even when holding her walking stick to shuffle around??

gosh.. i really don't have the answers to any of these questions.. all i can do is keep a close eye and pray..

once again, i find myself helpless...

sigh...